So I haven’t posted a new recipe in a week. I have been missing and I am sorry. But to be honest- I am a mess. I thought that when I got older things would fall into place. I would have all the answers and I would know all the right things to say and do. But I don’t. I am no closer to knowing the right steps to take now than I was when I was in my teens. That is a terrifying thing to say because I was an idiot in my teens. I wore hot pink pants with a top pink tank top with of course matching hot pink boat shoes.
Usually when my world is upside down- I invert on myself. I draw inward. I mean really inward. If you guys remember I was missing for a while late last year until a few months ago. Usually I draw on books( I’m currently reading Pay it forward with the kids), music or a good movie to distract me. For the last year, really more like 2 years I have been struggling. My grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Just this week my great grandmother was admitted to the hospital and because we live in different countries a WHOLE day passed before we knew. I was crushed by that. I literally stopped everything. The only thought I had was that I could not be in a world without her. She was everything to me growing up. When I look at Jocelyn, I see her- Feisty, quick witted and loyal. She cared for her whole family with nothing more than an elementary school education. She is a survivor. She is a warrior. She is my heart.
Also I am going to have to have spinal surgery again. Yup! That is another blow. I just got confirmation this week. All week I have lived in absolute dread. I still remember the last surgery. It was absolute hell. I lived on pain pills for close to 3 months. I had to force myself to stop taking them. If I am honest, that was hard too. The pain was hard to manage but I knew it was important to get off the pills asap. I have seen what strong pain killers can do to people.
I went through physical therapy without pills. I learned to walk again all my own. What’s real is that I am scared. Sometimes, I am really scared. I remember being 20 and under going spinal surgery. It broke me for a while. Depression is often accompanied with severe pain. I was in a cloud of sadness and pain. It was a rough place to be in. Abdel and I bonded during that ordeal. Something formed – He walked to the hospital because his car was totaled in the crash. He walked in 100 degree weather with a broken arm and ribs. I knew then we could make it through anything. What we had would make it. I had to find what my life was going to be from that point on. And through that all I can think was I can do anything because I am made up of strong women. Thank God for our family and friends.
So usually I wouldn’t share as much on the blog. Heck I understand that people read blogs to experience happiness and this post is such a downer. But right now on this very day I don’t have many happy thoughts. Of course my kids are a bright light. Abdel is his usual fortress of joy. But I think it is important to be real. So I might not always be happy and chipper but no one ever is. And I think it is really important for me to post what is truly happening in my life because we are friends and friendships are about sharing and bonding. I appreciate any prayers that you can send my great grandma’s way. She deserves many more happy years.
Peace and love,