I use to think of things in absolute terms. Love or hate.Life or death. truth or lie. Up or down. Living carefully or being careless. I remember at one point in high school I only wore black because even the slightest bit of color would irritate me. I was moody and
I am that person that picks a route and I stick to it no matter what. I am very stubborn. These are things that I had to admit to myself in order to grown. I am in my 30’s and I have come to realize that authenticity is the most important thing in my life.
After seeing my grandmother struggle through Chemo and seeing my brother battle back from opioid addiction. I saw them both at rock bottom. And there was nothing I could do to make it better. I now realize that the rigidity that I have lived my life with was necessary for me at the time to avoid checking in with myself. The honest truth was my family needed me to be strong enough to carry that load. I have always needed to be a rock for my family but in doing so I have lost the ability to change- evolve-grow.
The last 3 years of my life has been a learning curve for me. I have experienced what seems like ALL the emotions ever experienced by a human being. Extreme fear, grief, joy, sadness, loss, anger, apathy, avoidance, and lastly depression. I couldn’t realize that I was depressed until I was in the middle of the battle. I had to fight my way back. Thankfully, I know how to fight. My whole life has been a fight- when I was born I didn’t have a heartbeat the doctors would give up and I think that is where my journey with fighting began. I think the weight of everything also got compounded by my own need for surgery again on
So, I had to do the hard work of putting myself first. I couldn’t hide behind the needs of others. I had to fight for myself. And through that fight, I have found a happy medium. A safe space to explore. It has taken some time but I am back to being Ann. I am back to the things I love: My family, my pets, my community, my God, my cooking, eating and finally this blog. I found my zest for life again. Thank you guys for all the shout outs and kindness. I tell everyone that this blog has been a joy and a point of pride for me. You guys are in my heart. thank you for never giving up on me and this blog.
Thank you for hanging with me for a few minutes,