So I haven’t posted a new recipe in a week. I have been missing and I am sorry. But to be honest- I am a mess. I thought that when I got older things would fall into place. I would have all the answers and I would know all the right things to say and do. But I don’t. I am no closer to knowing the right steps to take now than I was when I was in my teens. That is a terrifying thing to say because I was an idiot in my teens. I wore hot pink pants with a top pink tank top with of course matching hot pink boat shoes.
Usually when my world is upside down- I invert on myself. I draw inward. I mean really inward. If you guys remember I was missing for a while late last year until a few months ago. Usually I draw on books( I’m currently reading Pay it forward with the kids), music or a good movie to distract me. For the last year, really more like 2 years I have been struggling. My grandmother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer. Just this week my great grandmother was admitted to the hospital and because we live in different countries a WHOLE day passed before we knew. I was crushed by that. I literally stopped everything. The only thought I had was that I could not be in a world without her. She was everything to me growing up. When I look at Jocelyn, I see her- Feisty, quick witted and loyal. She cared for her whole family with nothing more than an elementary school education. She is a survivor. She is a warrior. She is my heart.
Also I am going to have to have spinal surgery again. Yup! That is another blow. I just got confirmation this week. All week I have lived in absolute dread. I still remember the last surgery. It was absolute hell. I lived on pain pills for close to 3 months. I had to force myself to stop taking them. If I am honest, that was hard too. The pain was hard to manage but I knew it was important to get off the pills asap. I have seen what strong pain killers can do to people.
I went through physical therapy without pills. I learned to walk again all my own. What’s real is that I am scared. Sometimes, I am really scared. I remember being 20 and under going spinal surgery. It broke me for a while. Depression is often accompanied with severe pain. I was in a cloud of sadness and pain. It was a rough place to be in. Abdel and I bonded during that ordeal. Something formed – He walked to the hospital because his car was totaled in the crash. He walked in 100 degree weather with a broken arm and ribs. I knew then we could make it through anything. What we had would make it. I had to find what my life was going to be from that point on. And through that all I can think was I can do anything because I am made up of strong women. Thank God for our family and friends.
So usually I wouldn’t share as much on the blog. Heck I understand that people read blogs to experience happiness and this post is such a downer. But right now on this very day I don’t have many happy thoughts. Of course my kids are a bright light. Abdel is his usual fortress of joy. But I think it is important to be real. So I might not always be happy and chipper but no one ever is. And I think it is really important for me to post what is truly happening in my life because we are friends and friendships are about sharing and bonding. I appreciate any prayers that you can send my great grandma’s way. She deserves many more happy years.
Peace and love,
hi ann this is dale from the Philippines. wow you realy touched me and my wifes hearts sharing your problems. I had 3 disks removed from my lower spine back in the early 80’s and ya it hurt for a while but what you have on your plate is a lot. hoping all the bestr for you and we will keep you and your family in our prayers.
dale and chuchi
Can you share your surgery story one day? You touch on it here and there. I too had a spinal fusion when I was in my teens L1-S1. I feel your pain. I had to have hardware replaced. Keep strong sista.
Hey Rachel!!!! I think I will write it soon. I am really dreading the upgrades 🙂
You and your family will be in my prayers for sure.
Hey Stennex!!! Thank you so much:-)
Ann this really touched me. I have had a rough year too. I lost my grandma she raised me. I hate bloggers that are always happy, it just seems unreal. I can only hope that you don’t withdraw from us again. I check your blog all the time 🙂 my prayers are with you.
Hey Jessie!!! I’m so glad you felt something. I find it hard to open myself up like this but it was liberating to let it all out. I will not ghost on the blog again. Promise! 🙂